Today was a good day. I had some ladies over for a playdate this morning, and I would say that it was quite a success! Including me and Rhiannon, there were 4 moms and 6 kids, ranging in ages from 5 years to 17 months (Rhia was the youngest). She loved playing with the other kids, and I enjoyed chatting with some adults for a change.

This evening, I took Rhiannon over to Sandy's house while Dave and I went to have our taxes done (the only good part about that is that we're actually getting money back this year! woohoo!). Sandy reported that Jasper and Rhiannon were playing very well together, and that Jasper seemed to have gotten over some of his fear of her. Apparently, it was Rhiannon's exuberant shrieks of joy that would freak him out. Sandy discovered this while blowing bubbles with the kids. Eventually, Rhiannon won Jasper over to her way of thinking, and he too began to get more vocal. After that he would actually allow her to touch his hand, and even hug him! When I was there, he even initiated contact and gave Rhiannon a hug! This is major progress, since just two days ago while I was babysitting him, he would run for the door shrieking "Daddy! Daddy!" every time Rhiannon got too close to him. Now, to his credit, Rhiannon is a very physical person who has no concept of personal space, and the thought that someone might actually prefer that she not give them a hug has never entered her mind. But I'm happy to see that he's warming up to her.

All of that brings me to the purpose of this particular note. In speaking with Sandy, we got onto the subject of yelling. This is my parenting weak point. I try very hard to practice positive parenting (such as: don't say "no", speak politely, redirect, no spanking, say what to do instead of what not to do, etc.). However, I do snap and yell sometimes. My personal triggers are when Rhiannon screams and tugs at me, or kicks and fights and wrestles around while I'm trying to change her diaper - i.e., (to watch and listen to her), pour boiling hot tar on her tender skin. My patience runs out after saying "please lie still" or "please don't pull on Mama" for the umpteenth time, and I yell "Knock it off!", or some other bit of parenting wisdom. Anyway, Sandy mentioned that she had read an article recently that said that yelling was just as, if not more, damaging than hitting. She said that really got her attention, and she's been trying very hard not to yell at Jasper. She's also noticed that whenever she would yell at him, it was for something that was really her fault - she could have done something to avoid the situation in the first place.

I've been thinking a lot about this subject this past week. Last week was very difficult - Rhiannon wasn't feeling well, she was overtired and cranky (she hadn't been sleeping well due to a fever), and to top it off I had raging PMS. Dave and I had a discussion Saturday night because there was an overwhelming feeling of negativity in this house, and we needed to bring it up, air it out, and break the downward spiral we were in. We came up with a plan to disarm the negative triggers - if Rhiannon started to shriek and scream at me, I would put her in the bedroom (thereby designated "the screaming room") and tell her she could come out when she was done. If she kicked at me while changing her diaper, I would hold her legs and tell her that when she stopped, I would finish changing her, and we would be done. What a difference that has made this week! The difference is mainly in my attitude, but it has an amazing effect on Rhiannon's behavior. I really ought to read my own blog entries, because the Zen Parenting quote below is so totally right on, it's scary. So, this week things have been much more calm around here. When Rhiannon would start screaming at me, I would calmly tell her "Please go to the other room if you want to scream. Mama doesn't want to listen to it." I'd do this while pointing to the door, and she would actually stop!! A couple of times when she wouldn't stop right away, I picked her up and headed for the bedroom, and she was quiet before we ever got there. The amazing part about this approach is that I have never actually had to put her in the bedroom and leave! Diaper changes are still a bit hairy, but I've remained calm, and have held her knees down a few times, and she's now content to loudly protest the situation, but she doesn't phsyically fight me. That would bother me so much because I use cloth diapers, and I would just get the darn thing folded properly, and she would kick it apart before I could get it up over her bum, causing the misery to continue, and continue, and continue.

In A Word About Healthy Discipline, Michael J. Marshall, Ph.D. writes:

...discipline must begin with the parent. Parents must first learn to manage their own emotions in a disciplined manner by thinking, "How do I stand back and rationally assess the problem, think of possible solutions, and move to the next step without succumbing to the natural impulse to strike out in anger. Discipline begins with me. I need to act with self-control." Attempting to guide a child without learning alternatives to those reactions copied blindly from one's own childhood, is destined to fail.

Raising a child is the most difficult and demanding task any of us will ever undertake. To do so without self-discipline, self-understanding, and knowledge of child development, but by merely relying on old habits and impulses, is like jumping out of an airplane and saying "I'll figure out how to work the parachute on my way down."
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So true. I honestly don't understand those parents who never attempt to educate themselves on parenting issues. As parents, we are shaping another human being. Our actions, our successes and failures, will have a deep and everlasting effect on our children. What arrogance to assume to know how to do it properly! We have to take classes, practice, and pass exams in order to drive a car, but absolutely no training is required to raise a child. I suppose that is one of the perks of being a parent; you get exclusive rights to decide how to raise your family. (I could go on another tangent here about meddling in-laws who disagree with what I believe about parenting Rhiannon, but I will save that for another day.)

One final thought that's been running through my head about this whole issue - one of those little Nuggets of Wisdom that has been around forever:
The only person you can control is yourself.
This is absolutely true as well. To attempt to control another person, even your own child, is futile, and will only cause frustration, at best.